Who you want to be VS. Who you don’t want to become
What do you do when those visions of yourself overlap?
What do you do when the vision of what you want to be and what you do not want to become overlap?
I came face to face with this question earlier this year when I was at a friend’s wedding reception and during it I had an emotional and spiritual crisis. I was not enjoying myself while everyone else was celebrating and dancing. I had to excuse myself several times to clear my head and attempt to make sense of the maelstrom of emotions I was feeling at the time.
To be clear this was no one’s fault except my own. I was enjoying my time up until this point in the day. I was one of the ushers and many of my good friends were either ushers or groomsmen. A friend of mine asked me a question and offered to help me with something, however I only responded with cynicism and doubt his efforts could help me in this specific aspect of my life. Not for lack of his effort, but in my everlasting bad luck. That offer to help had inadvertently touched a nerve. That irritated nerve caused a downward spiral of overthinking and analysis of not just the subject matter of that nerve, but every aspect of my life.
As I sat around not enjoying myself at the reception I couldn’t help but think about how this isn’t who I am. I enjoy meeting and talking with people. I am extroverted and relish the opportunities to talk with and enjoy others' company. However I was not embracing this part of me because in my overthinking I became afraid of how others would perceive me. I convinced myself to fear that in my being who I am, a personable and understanding person who enjoys the company of others, I would be seen as what I don’t want to become. A shallow guy who is only seeking his next score with women and who isn’t interested in who they are. Both of these people at face value are talkative and are charming individuals. However what motivates them is completely different. I irrationally become afraid I would be seen as what I don’t want to be while trying to be who I am.
I later apologized to the friend who offered help. I realized I shouldn’t have been so cynical. He tried to encourage me, however at least for the rest of the night, my mood was not in a recoverable state. I had come face to face with a hard question in my life, and I had no answer for it.
In regard to what I don’t want to become, I think of how my dad would often talk with me and my mom (his wife!) about all of his girlfriends. He was seemingly joking most, if not all, of the time in this regard, however his talk and sometimes actions made him out to be the stereotypical player in that he was always searching for a new girlfriend. I clearly remember from my childhood one time where he dressed up really nice and put on cologne and told us he was going out to get milk. He was gone for several hours that evening. In the last few years I have learned this was not a one off occurrence.
From my, to be fair, skewed and biased perception, that If my dad wasn’t married he would have fit well into the stereotypical guy who is always looking for his next big score. Always searching for a new girlfriend. Going to all of the bars and hitting on all of the women. Looking for his next score and nothing else. This is the kind of man I do not want to be.
After high school I slowly became a much more social and extraverted person. Between my job at Chick-Fil-A, my volunteer work as a door-knocker for political campaigns and my work as an election official (poll worker) I have enjoyed working with the public. I simply enjoy meeting and getting to know people. I enjoy and at all times strive to be a fun and pleasant person to talk with and be around. Creating a fun and cooperative environment. This is who I am and who I strive to be.
As the wedding reception went on, those two things, what I want to be and what I don’t want to be, overlapped. At least from a surface level perspective. How do you be the guy who is personable and fun to talk with without coming off as just looking for your next score with the women?
Overthinking that question I just sat around watching everyone else have fun. At the time I personally couldn’t reconcile those two things.
Looking back I, without a shadow of a doubt, was overthinking this question. I am an overthinker and I strive to be thoughtful in everything I do. At times that is a great trait, however it can sometimes lead to indecisiveness. Reflecting back on that evening I have realized that by not being true to myself, I made myself miserable. What I want to become and what I want to avoid being overlapped and I inadvertently rejected both through my indecision. I got too caught up thinking I would be mistaken as someone who I don’t want to be while being who I am. I know who I am and I need not fear being, momentarily, viewed as someone I am not by someone I may or may not see again.
This has been one of those articles where I admit I don’t have all of the answers. This is a journey for me to learn what it means to be a better man. There will be failures, this story here likely being my biggest regret of 2023 in regards to becoming a better man and learning what a healthier masculinity looks like. I hope you can learn from my mistake and think for yourself how you reconcile your vision of what you be and what you want to avoid when those two things overlap.
Thanks for reading this article! It was a bit more of a personal story and there are some personal details I am leaving out. Some things were too personal to share. I had some reservations about sharing it at all, although if it helps you in any way then it was worth it. For the upcoming weeks I am going to be able to post consistently so keep an eye out of those. I have two interesting ideas in mind I am currently working on so keep an eye out for those in the coming weeks!